Media UK

How to be a phone-in caller

1. When the presenter puts you on air, wait an inexplicable five and a half seconds before speaking, then say, 'Oh, is it me?'

2. Have your Radio on and very loud and have the phone next to it to get that perfect howl round and deafen the Jock and scare all the listeners.

3. Start by saying your point has just been made by another caller but make it anyway.

4. Talk as though your entire intellectual capacity has been used up in dialling the telephone number.

5. Preface every comment with 'Well i mean basically..' and never say more than five words without inserting the phrase, 'to be honest' - especially when you're not going to be.

6. Take at least three minutes to explain you want to be brief.

7. When making a point, right, which requires lengthy explanation right, it is mandatory to end every sentence with 'right' or 'yeah?' or the phrase "you know what I mean?" in order to reassure yourself that the presenter hasn't fallen into a coma.

8. Mis-hear the subject of the phone-in; for instance, if the discussion is about Bosnia, call to ask a question about Bonsai or if there's talk of hobbies call to give your opinion on hubbies.

9. 99 per cent of your conversation should take the form of cliches, all of which should be confused - for example; 'you cant pull the rug over my eyes'/'that really gets up my goat'.

10. Always ask the presenters health, particularly if hes said 'fine' to the 568 callers beforehand.

11. Halfway through your initial sentence, pause, say 'Hello...?'as if you're worried you have been cut off.

12. Align your political leanings slightly to the right of Attila the Huns miltary advisor.

13. Make sure your accent is so regional that only people on your side of the street can understand you.

14. Ensure your most pig-headed beliefs are based on the experience of no more than one person.

15. Proudly announce you are a first time caller then become emotionally traumatised when the presenter fails to have an orgasm at this news.

16. Time your call so that the grandfather clock, situated 4 inches from your phone, begins to chime just as you start to speak.

17. Don't let any facts get in the way of your opinion.

18. If over 60, mention your age at least once every two minutes, increasing it by four years on each occasion.

19. Talk as though you have the solutions to every modern day crisis then completely go to pieces when your doorbell rings.

20. If you are gay, proclaim the fact loudly at the start of your call, even if it is a cookery phone in.

21. Make each point by firstly saying 'I'm not racist / homophobic / sexist / ageist / a child molester / a drugs baron / stupid... BUT...' and then make a point that is 100% what a racist / homophobic / sexist / ageist / child molester / drugs baron / stupid idiot would say.